Tea Baggery

What can you say about a group of conservative Christians who name their political movement after a gay sex act? Yeah…a lot. And in case you were going to say…hey, straight people can tea bag too…no…straight people don’t do that…and you’re probably on the wrong web site. So why on earth would they refer to themselves in this way? I mean…try saying this out loud…”I’m a bagger”. While I’m trying to decide if I should laugh out loud or not I just threw up a little in my mouth.

So what gives? They either have to be of the self loathing, closeted homosexual variety of Jesus freaks or the most ignorant group of people since the Heaven’s gate crew…which if you don’t remember were those guys who cut off their bags and drank poison so they could teleport to a spaceship driving behind a comet.

Haha, Balls in the mouth!

Yeah, probably that second one. So who are these baggers and why haven’t they evolved past the level of lower primate? (No offense to other lower primates.) Since I’ve never met these bag people in person and I’ve only seen them in comic books I’ll have to head to the interwebs to find out more.

On my journey through the information super highway, the first thing I notice is that there are several groups who claim to speak for the baggers…the second thing I notice is that they need to learn how to make a fucking web page.

The first stop on our tour is a site called The Tea Party Express. On this sterling example of HTML mastery can be found articles such as “An Angry Black Man” and “Lame Black Christian Cop-Out”. The articles are pretty much hate outlets that try to convince the reader that Barack Obama is out to kill as many babies as he can…and if he can swing it, kill Jesus. Killing Jesus is definitely a two term goal…on that we agree.

But what does the Express have to say about the bag in mouth party and their agenda? Well we get this vague notion of returning America to its Constitutional principles and then a couple of bullet points about ending taxes and reducing the size of government. The rest of it seems to be a tea bagging hot mess of a fantasy about Sarah Palin…I’ll let you decide if that was a dirty joke or a brilliant insight. Moving on.

Tea baggers just made the term role model synonymous with stupid whore.

Next stop…the Tea Party Patriots. The first thing I can’t help but notice here…besides the fact that it looks like my web browser just threw up…is that they say the Tea Party started in 2009…their bagging friends over at the Tea Party Express claim that 2008 was the year of the bag. Whatever, I really don’t need to nit-pick this shit. Some of the Pulitzer entries on this site include a conspiracy on Obama’s part to hide the amount of people he is forcing to go onto food stamps and a call to end regulation of the coal industry. Apparently not burning coal is unconstitutional. One has to wonder if these sack suckers have ever seen the Constitution…or coal. On their mission statement they blame the government for the great recession by not allowing the market to be free.

So there you go, the reason we are in a recession boiled down to one thoughtless sentence. What ruined the economy? Credit Default Swaps? Noooo! Complex financial derivatives? Nope. Mortgage backed securities based on predatory lending? Of course not. The problem was that government was trying too hard to regulate coal and banks…making the market less free. The Tea Party Patriots need to ask for a refund for their GEDs…if they have one. And while they are at it, take a web design class.

How about you fix your misplaced protest sign first pal. It would seem "Washinton" isn't your biggest problem.

Finally we come to TeaParty.org. Despite the more definitive web address, same lack of intellectual content…different dot org. Some of the journalism on display here includes an article about Glen Beck putting a Barack Obama bobble head in a jar of urine, a nice piece on the secession of Texas from the United States, an article claiming that Obama is giving free money to illegal immigrants and this interesting little number about the Boston Tea Party.

TeaParty – Boston Tea Party

The article claims that public schools are starting to teach children that the individuals that participated in the Boston Tea Party were terrorists. As laughable as that is, it shows a bit of insight as to how this new Tea Party took shape…and what type of mental deficiencies they suffer from. It seems extremely likely that these current baggers were attempting to name their movement after the actual Boston Tea Party of 1773 and not after a man putting his scrotum into another man’s mouth. But the idea that they missed this gay sex connection and the differences in their ideology to that of the original Boston group points to one conclusion.

They’re morons.

When these current day bag-ites spout their talking points about no taxes and less government regulation for corporations they are trying to compare themselves to the group from 1773. The idea is, don’t tax us, don’t regulate our businesses or we’ll revolt and throw your shit into the ocean just like the colonists did. Wearing teabags on their head is a more modern addition to this movement. Personally, I can’t accept this view of history…partially because I have this thing in my sock drawer called a degree…but mostly because it’s wrong.

Are you proud to be an American yet?

If you open up a first grade history text book you can find the actual reason for the Boston Tea Party which I think is worth mentioning. It has to do with this piece of legislation called the Tea Act and the world’s very first multi-national corporation…The East India Company. The King had granted the East India Company a monopoly on tea…primarily because he was a douche bag…but also because he was a majority share holder in the company. Hmmm, collusion between politicians and big business? Sound familiar?

Not these Kings. These Kings are awesome.

When the colonists heard about this they gave a resounding 13 starred “get fucked”. The colonists started acquiring their highly sought after drug of choice (tea, the lamest drug ever) through other sources. The King and his corporate pals hired privateers to sail the high seas in search of this black market tea (I’m really trying to make tea sound exciting and dangerous). And in case you’re wondering, a privateer is simply a pirate with a 401k that has corporate contributions.

However, they quickly learned that having literal boat loads of full time employees looking for a bit of tea wasn’t the most cost effective solution so the privateers were downsized in favor of another solution.

King George, the original tea bagger...ummm...for both reasons I think.

The new plan included removing all of the laws that dictated how the East India Company could distribute and sell their tea as well as removing all the corporate taxes associated with said selling of tea. This meant that even the tea dime bags the colonists were getting from Mexico were still more expensive than corporate overseas sweatshop tea forcing every small business in their colonial communities to go bankrupt…you know, just like when a Wal-Mart opens up. And yes, they were outsourcing to Asia. If I had an irony font I would be using it.

So did you get that? It wasn’t a one percent increase to the tea tax that caused the birth of a nation, quite the opposite. What pissed off the colonists was the fact corporations had more lobbying access to political power…more than “we the people” had. And what this power afforded big business was the deregulation and corporate tax breaks to their own industry.

Ohh man, someone is going to have to explain it to her.

There you have it, corporate tax breaks for big business and industry regulation…this is what pushed the colonists over the star spangled edge. Pretty much the exact opposite of what the current day tea party is demanding. James Madison stated that corporations always lead to abuse of power and that they should be limited by the government…also know as regulation.

James Madison – Constitutional Notes

Thomas Jefferson saw corporations as a force that would destroy American democracy and that they would always seek to gain political power to subvert our laws. He attempted to pass a constitutional amendment that would outlaw monopolies by preventing corporations from owning other corporations as well as contributing money to either the crafting of legislation (lobbying) or campaign contributions.

This explains so much. Let the grave rolling commence.

Jefferson believed that corporations and banks represented a larger threat to our nation than standing armies. Think about that for a second. The Chinese air force…not as dangerous as Bank of America.

Thomas Jefferson also supported a progressive tax on the wealthy. That is, the more money you make the higher percentage you pay in taxes, just like FDR implemented, just like our current President is trying to pass.

The farmer will see his government supported, his children educated, and the face of this country made a paradise by the contributions of the rich alone, without his being called on to spend a cent from his earnings. – Thomas Jefferson

But all of this pales in comparison to Jefferson’s greatest unaccomplished goal, a tax on the wealthy for the sole purpose of publicly financing the education of every person in the country from kindergarten all the way to a fucking doctorate degree!

“The tax which will be paid for the purpose of education is not more than the thousandth part of what will be paid to kings, priests and nobles who will rise up among us if we leave the people in ignorance” – Thomas Jefferson

Yes I know what the fuck I'm talking about, I have a fucking memorial.

What would that utopia look like? Well I can tell you one thing for certain. We wouldn’t have a bunch of fact free; self titled ball suckers electing representatives that only serve the interests of the modern day equivalent of the East India Company. Fucking morons. They are a disgrace to our founding fathers who they inaccurately quote and they are an offense to common sense.

So the next time a tea bagger starts groaning about taxes and deregulation, demonstrate to them your knowledge of the facts by casually lifting them over your head and throwing them into the Boston Harbor where the rest of our Chinese made products should be. And for those of you who came to this article by way of a google search gone wrong, you may now proceed to homosexual website of your preference.



1 ping

  1. Rob says:

    You fool, they didn’t name themselves after a gay sex act, that was an epithet given by those tolerant and classy leftists.

    Irony, huh? Leftists using a gay act as a slur. But consistency isn’t a hallmark of leftists.

    1. Christian says:

      You are incorrect sir, it was indeed their original name. They only changed it after they realized what they had named themselves after…which of course is funny to all…not just “Leftists”.

      “The term teabagger was initially used to refer to Tea Partiers after conservatives used tea bag as a verb on protest signs and websites. Members of the movement initially adopted the term, and referred to themselves as teabaggers. Shortly thereafter, however, others outside the movement began to use the term mockingly, alluding to the sexual connotation of the term when referring to Tea Party protesters.”

      Etymology of Tea Bagger

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