Buy A Sports Car, Not A Gun

Hey fellas, got a small cock? Then I would like to interest you in a sports car. Not your thing? Then I would plead with you to do our society a favor and find some other way to compensate for your under sized genitals than purchasing a firearm. Piss on your inadequacies, piss on your cowardice and piss on your so called fucking birth right to own something that puts the rest of us in harms way so you can feel like a big man. Enough is enough is fucking enough.

Your small penis will love me, I promise!)

As you’ve no doubt heard, we’ve had YET ANOTHER mass shooting. We have one now what a few times a day before lunch. And of course it was a school shooting. And the guns were purchased legally.

So here we are, another perfectly legal school massacre…and just in time for the holidays. Not to mention a handful of hours after my own state of Illinois became the final state in our crumbling union to allow concealed carry. I guess someone decided to celebrate.

The tin foil hat types had their chance to debate responsible gun ownership in this country but no…they thought it best to never give an inch it what seems like an overwhelming display of paranoia. As far as I’m concerned now, wanting to own a gun that bad should be listed in the DSM IV. If recent events don’t make you want to throw your guns in the trash then not only do you not deserve to own one, you should probably be checked into a ward and have several rounds of shock therapy administered.

People need guns like they need a hole in the head…which guns can do for you by the way. But no, these small dicked assholes insist that they need guns to kill animals and to protect themselves. Both sound like psychological abnormalities to me. Protection from what??? Why…other people with guns of course. And round and round the circular logic wheel we go. No progress gets made when morons have a seat at the table. It’s time for the adults to take the toys away.

I'm endangered...and it's my right.

Once again we see that the right wing conservatives in this country live in a fantasy world that exists only in their heads and…well ok on Fox news. They have the nerve to call hunting a sport and the audacity to suggest that they can protect us all from the “bad guys”. They want to carry guns with them everywhere they go and claim they have that right because they’re the good guys. First I would ask, can they protect us from themselves?

This is the most black and fucking white argument I’ve ever heard of. There are no good guys and there are no bad guys, there are only mood disorders and if you own a firearm then you’re a fucking liability to this collapsing civilization we’re trying to hold together.

Even today, the paranoids were saying; if only people had been armed at the school this tragedy wouldn’t have happened. The idea is if you arm everyone then someone will always be there to have a shoot out with these so called bad guys.

Who the fuck do they think they are, Lone Wolf McQuade?!?! Well bully for these bitches, they’re going to save the world are they? How fuckin arrogant…not to mention delusional. As far as I know, none of the dozens of shootings have been stopped by Johnny Vigilante. This is absurd; these people aren’t going to save anyone from anything. They are more likely to shoot themselves in the foot…and god forbid if they have a bad hair day then we’re all in trouble. These are the same people who shit their pants if they can’t physically touch their phallic life taker as well as piss themselves at the very sight of a black person.

You're not me, no...no seriously, you're not me.

However, this does bring up one area of commonality between gun nuts and gun control activists…which at this point we’ll chalk up to a missed opportunity but I’ll still mention it. It has to do with a lack of trust. People opposing gun ownership and conceal carry laws don’t trust other people to have guns.

Gun activists also don’t trust people…but at the same time they feel the need to tell everyone else in the country, hey, you should trust me. Well excuse the shit out of me. How fucking entitled. This just illustrates again that these gun nuts feel nothing outside of their own sphere of reality…another sign of mental illness.

But let’s give these anarchists and the preparers of the zombie apocalypse the benefit of the doubt…really quick and see if this idea has merit. Let’s assume all the 7 year olds were all equipped with assault rifles and John Rambo was the principle. Would it have made a difference??

Well as far as I know, this guy didn’t invite these children into the town square and tell them to “reach for it”. There was no dramatic scene where tumbleweed blows by with all the children blowing on their fingers waiting to draw. This legal owner of firearms didn’t have a political dispute with these children and challenge them to a duel like fucking Aaron Burr.

This is the problem. Guns empower people in all the wrong ways. They make people feel invincible and more likely to commit violence at whim. But carrying a concealed weapon is the fix and the high they need for their inadequacies…much like the proverbial needle in the arm. And on a personal note, I suspect it’s the only way they can get it up.


It also deludes them into believing this comic book fantasy that if they are allowed to carry a weapon everywhere they go then they can personally defeat evil. Well, let’s have a history lesson; I’m pretty fond of those.

In 1981, John Hinckley…armed with a .22 caliber six shooter no less…the firearm equivalent of a paper cut…was able to shoot four people. These four people included a police officer, a secret service agent, the press secretary and the fucking President of the United States of America.

Yeah, that’s right; one guy with a head full of shit was able to shoot Ronald Reagan…and all those other guys, amidst a sea of secret service agents. You know, the guys who are armed to the teeth and live to serve one purpose…namely, carry a gun and don’t let anyone shoot the President.

So these secret service agents, the closest thing we have to Klingon Warriors, who are armed and looking for deranged gunmen 100% of the time couldn’t stop one pathetic piece of shit. But yet gun activists would still have us believe that they can save the world if they can bring their loaded gun into your personal space.

Concealed carry is for dishonorable p'tahk!

The lethal among us would have you believe that having an armed populace decreases crime. You hear it all the time. They claim that if criminals are simply armed (pun) with the knowledge that we’re all packing heat then they will refrain from…ALL criminal activity. They claim this as a fact…as if the world can’t count the number of bodies at their feet. Well I’ve got a fact of my own.

A little organization called Harvard determined that the more guns your state has the more gun deaths your state has. It’s a 1 to 1 relationship, more guns equal more dead people from guns.

Harvard Firearms Research

And regardless, the argument that concealed carry prevents crime is a self defeating one. It reveals these pint sized puds true intentions. Shooting criminals to deter crime is treating the symptom. If you were serious about curbing crime then you would be more likely to propose measures that fight poverty and not increase your right to carry a gun into a bar. So it has nothing to do with crime and everything to do with selfish intent.

Besides, you really can’t expect me to believe that RISK is a deterrent to crime. That’s the whole fucking point. Is a junkie really concerned with anything but his next hit when he mugs someone? Don’t gangs face the threat of gun violence all the freakin time? Isn’t an impoverished father who is hungry motivated more by his family’s well being than his own when he robs a 7-11? Don’t raving lunatics always turn the gun on themselves anyways after they shoot a room full of people??? Do any of these people give a shit if you have a gun?

And just to piss on the gun parade a little more, the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution…the NRA’s most sacred of holy texts…may not actually have intended to extend the right for all citizens to be armed to the teeth. Turns out that the founding fathers of this nation didn’t like the idea of standing armies. Of course, we now have the largest standing army in the Milky Way Galaxy. But in order to ensure public law and order, the 2nd Amendment allowed for states and local governments the right to form militias and to arm them in lieu of a permanent military.

With the ability to transform and conceal himself AS a gun, Megatron is the envy of all gun nuts everywhere.

This notion is frowned on by the gun humpers, however, several supreme court justices have interpreted the Constitution in this way.

When each word in the text is given full effect, the Amendment is most naturally read to secure to the people a right to use and possess arms in conjunction with service in a well-regulated militia. So far as appears, no more than that was contemplated.

The Amendment’s text does justify a different limitation: the “right to keep and bear arms” protects only a right to possess and use firearms in connection with service in a state-organized militia. Had the Framers wished to expand the meaning of the phrase “bear arms” to encompass civilian possession and use, they could have done so by the addition of phrases such as “for the defense of themselves”.

So this is more about fearful people who want to feel the power that carrying a gun gives them. Land of the free, home of the brave my ass. More like land of the indentured, home of the pants shitters. On top of the fact that this argument has no basis in logic, it turns every citizen into judge, jury and executioner.

The next time some guy doesn’t feel safe, he can just pull out his 9 and shoot you in the face. In what I consider to be one of the most fearful nations in the world, I would like to see what these people define as safe. With Illinois’ new concealed carry law, the next mass shooting is going to sound like the opening of a bad joke…a Packers fan walks into a Bears bar and…well you get the idea.

He doesn't think he went over the line. Your move.

Their rights, their rights, their rights. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all of our business…especially when they bring these weapons into the public…you know, where the rest of us work and live. What about the rights of ALL THE REST OF US who don’t want their town turned into Dodge City? Ohh fuck us right? You’ve got a complex and need to carry a deadly weapon.

Now on top of going to work and paying bills I have to worry about how quick of a draw I am. No thank you. Grow up. Find a different excuse to get away from your wife than claiming you need to kill a few animals. Stop pretending that 100% of the population is responsible enough to carry a gun. It’s absurd.

I realize that this is a very emotion packed article and that I usually have a level head when discussing topics but I have this small problem…the violent death of young children really ruins my fuckin day. The next article should be more…uplifting? At the very least more humorous…and one day I will finish one of these in under four pages…and I promise to reference Skeletor more often.

In the mean time, buy some Extendz, grow a pair and throw away your guns.

The Catholic response.

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