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Nov
05

Ayatollah 6-5000

What the hell is an Ayatollah and where can I get one? I can’t seem to find it in the app store so what the F is it? It sounds like a Caribbean cruise ship. Well I googled it…not as fun as a cruise ship. In fact, it’s a dude. The Ayatollah is the leader…or something of the sort…of the…ohh fuck it, I don’t know what it is and I’m the one who looked it up.

He’s sort of like the Pope, but for Muslims only without the car and a less impressive array of colorful hats. Of course there are other things that make an Ayatollah an Ayatollah but to be perfectly honest I don’t really understand it all or really give that much of a shit.

But seriously, I've got like 180 hats like this.

The previous statement I made was very true though, they are no fun. In fact, I googled Ayatollah and the word fun together in one search and got this. “There is no fun in Islam”. That’s a quote…from the Ayatollah. So there you go, literally no fun. Seriously? No birthday cake? No 3 Stooge movies? No fun…ever?? Ohh well, just don’t invite the guy to any parties right? In fact I seem to remember my 4th grade teacher saying something similar about math so whatever. Besides, I’m not entirely convinced that this guy isn’t Sean Connery so I’m still questioning the whole thing.

Ayatollah of Iran and the Ayatollah of Awesome

So am I going anywhere with this? Yeah, this is my segue into an elaborate discussion on foreign policy. Full disclosure, segue is defined as a SMOOTH transition between topics. Besides his lack of fun and colored hats, the Ayatollah is the leader of Iran. Iran is a nation in the Middle East by the way for those of you who had a 4th grade teacher that told you that there isn’t any fun in geography.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, I thought the leader of Iran was that Notgonnaworkhereanymore guy. Well it’s complicated. President Ahmadinejad is the guy who holds the press conferences and meets with the UN and by all accounts is a little more fun than the Ayatollah…I mean, just look at the guy. He looks like a blast. In fact I’m not convinced that he isn’t the most interesting man in the world.

Who ya going to believe? Everyone else...or this smile?

But he doesn’t hold the actual power. Seriously, go to the wiki page for Iran, it lists the leaders in order. Ahmadinejad…the President is listed second. The first of course is the Ayatollah…his political title is listed as “Supreme Leader”. Holy shit! So, yeah…most of the time President comes somewhere after Supreme Leader…as does any other title…even most interesting man in the world.

As far as foreign policy is concerned…well Iran just pisses everyone off. No one misses a chance to talk shit about Iran. The United Nations places new sanctions on Iran every first Friday of the month. Israel continuously asks other countries to turn Iran into the world’s largest hole in the ground…followed shortly thereafter by the world’s largest kosher deli. George Bush put Iran in his axis of evil. And saying the phrase “Fuck Iran” is generally good enough to convince most people that you have a solid grasp of foreign policy. So what gives?? Why all the hate?

Well ok, having a Supreme Leader is creepy. And yeah, Ahmadinejad did say that he hates Jews, but in fairness, so did Mel Gibson and as far as I know the UN hasn’t leveled any sanctions against him. And they don’t speak fondly of the United States and England…but neither did Mark Twain and he wrote fuckin Tom Sawyer.

I may not be the Supreme Leader of Iran...but I do have the keys to his apartment.

Also Iran doesn’t make it a secret that they want a bomb. You know which one, the kind that George Bush can’t pronounce. But don’t most countries want a nuclear weapon? In fact several countries do have nuclear weapons…like Pakistan and China and…Israel…the same Israel that wants to vaporize Iran. I think the only people that don’t want a nuclear bomb are the Canadians…but that’s only because they have hockey.

So is that it? Well, in the late 80’s (Batman #426 – 429), the Ayatollah made the Joker his ambassador to the UN which enabled him to kill Robin. That shit can never be forgiven. Ohh who am I kidding, it’s Robin, fuck him.

I suppose you could do worse.

Otherwise, that’s it. Ohh, except for that other thing that happened about 60 years ago. Hold on to your funny looking hats, this is going to blow your mind. Remember that thing called the British Empire? Remember how unpopular it was? Especially to a few guys you might recall named Jefferson, Washington, Adams and Franklin. No, stick with me; we’re still talking about Iran.

Turns out that the Empire was a pretty universally unpopular thing world wide…like chlamydia. Well even after England gave up that whole empire thing, they still kept a few pieces of it. Sort of like becoming a born again Christian but keeping that bottle of Jack in the cabinet just in case. Hell, England held onto Hong Kong until 1997 so they’re still a little insecure about the whole thing.

So let’s jump back to 1940’s. Every country had their turn dicking Iran around (literally and not just verbally)…mostly because of those world wars that took place but whatever, you’d be sick of it too. Iran wanted everyone’s dick out of their business and to become a modernized country and all that that entailed…you know, vaccinations, student loans, expensive coffee, iPads, Star Trek conventions…the whole 9 yards.

Iranian Modern Era

They set education reform standards, and they built a national rail system called the Trans-Iranian Railway. And are you ready for this, they drafted a fucking constitution and democratically elected a Prime Minister…you know, like a normal country. Did you notice the lack of a Supreme Leader in all this reform? Yes, Iran…the democracy…with a democratically elected leader. Quite a bit of progress. Remember that kick ass movie, The 300? Remember the guy who wore all that crazy ass shit and attacked the Spartans? That was Iran…or as they used to be called, Persia. I know, too much history, just download the movie…which I’m pretty sure IS in the app store.

Now that I've signed that deal with BP I just need to deal with these Spartans and I'll call it a day.

So shit, what happened? How do you go from having an elected Parliament to a fun outlawing theocratic Supreme Leader?? Well, it started when that elected body of Iran went to pay for all that reform and noticed that their largest source of income…guess…yeah, oil…was still in the control of the British. Ooops.

A little known British oil company still had rights to rape Iran for their one natural resource. Sand is not a natural resource. Who would do such a thing? British Petroleum. Yeah, BP. The same BP that’s on the corner down the street from your house and the same BP that took a dump on the Gulf of Mexico. The irony would make King Leonidas shit himself.

BP refused to renegotiate the rights to the oil wells; yeah they were evil back then too. Prime Minister Mosaddegh tried to make the case that they weren’t the same nation that had made that agreement. The deal had been made some 50 years before by the King of Persia…yeah. Iran was getting nothing, the profits all went to BP, they no longer had a King and they weren’t even Persia anymore. Mosaddegh said fuck it and nationalized the oil resources of Iran. If you don’t know what that means then lets just say it’s the equivalent of getting your shit back from your asshole roommate…if that’s not good enough then google it. He became very popular with his people for this bold move.

I just want what's rightfully mine!

Things in Iran would probably be gravy to this day if this was where it had ended. But it wasn’t. Mosaddegh had fucked with the wrong corporation.

What followed is probably the most extreme and over the top response to a loss of business in human history. We over through their democratic government, we killed thousands of their citizens and we installed a dictator. WTF! Are you kidding me? I can’t even think of an equal comparison but let’s try.

Imagine that the consumer base of England said, you know what, we’re unhappy with the iPhone 5, we really don’t want it anymore. Then on behalf of the Apple Corporation, the United States military launched a barrage of cruise missiles and destroyed their Parliament building. Don’t want to do business with us? Then we’ll fucking kill you.

So yeah, in what was known as Operation Ajax, the CIA was sent in with MI6 and we paid and armed the Iranian mob to start a revolution. They killed a shit load of people, tried Mossaddegh for treason and installed the “Shah” as dictator. Shah is the old Persian term for King. You can guess where it went from there. The Shah was oppressive…killed thousands of his own people for the next two and a half decades. The people then rose up and started their own revolution…without the aid of the CIA I might add. It was absolutely bloody…tens of thousands of people were killed and executed.

Operation AJAX

The oppressed people of Iran turned to their religious leaders during the revolution for support and got a little more than they bargained for. Out of the revolution came the Islamic Republic of Iran. And what’s an Islamic Republic without a Supreme Leader. So this is how Iran gained its Ayatollah and lost its fun. This would be the reason the Ayatollah hates us…and all western nations for that matter.

Democracy, planet Earth...fuckin Aquaman...they really don't let anything stand in their way.

You would think at this point the CIA would throw out a huge “our bad” and leave things be…hell, maybe even a “sorry for that dash of genocide”. But no, it gets worse. You see, while this was going on, we were doing the very same shit one country over. I’ll save you the trip to google earth…its Iraq. In 1963 the CIA helped the Ba’athist party over through the government of Iraq…and who is everyone’s favorite Ba’athist??

That’s right; the United States helped Saddam Hussein come to power in Iraq and informed him that we’ll be needing him to invade Iran. Iran hires the Joker…we hire Saddam Hussein. Yeah, that’s about even.

Saddam’s Rise To Power

So we gave Iraq money and resources and weapons and intelligence. The Iraq Iran war went on for 8 years…about a million people died. The war ended up being a stale mate and simply caused more people to hate us. Saddam Hussein withdrew his forces and started eye balling Kuwait and we all know how that went and all we got out of it was this great picture.

There is no way this will ever come back to haunt me.

Iraq Iran War

So let’s just stop here. We could turn this into a graduate thesis on the greatest fuck-ups of all time but that’s not the point. The point is that we still accuse Iran of being an axis of Evil…or a Legion of Doom…which are apparently more interchangeable than I thought. But the truth is that this is an elaborate story made up to continue our backward ass imperialistic corporate agenda.

Remember that movie Transylvania 6-5000? A couple of reporters go to Transylvania to find bogymen so they can line the pages of their crappy tabloid with scary made up characters in order to sell more papers. That’s what’s going on here. The American people are being sold on the idea that these guys are pure evil in order to justify a never ending string of pointless wars. Sure, these guys in Iran are crazy assholes but we can certainly find a better way of dealing with them. No one is saying it will be easy and as the man said, it certainly won’t be fun.

So the next time you hear Mitt Romney or John McCain or any other Republican say that we need to bomb Iran, just remember that there is about two generations worth of bullshit behind that statement and that you’ll unfortunately still find more truth in a fucking comic book.

I'm going to assume he writes his own material.

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