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Jul
30

I, Romney

So the Presidential election is just around the corner …and no one seems to care that much anymore. Why? Probably because that Tijuana Donkey show known as the Republican Primary is over. The Republicans have compromised and selected a candidate that no one likes. On the surface, this candidate seems to be the most boring, android like individual that the human race has ever produced. This man is Mitt Romney.

In what was probably the most colorful and mentally deficient group of “people” ever assembled, the Republican Party chose the least noticeable guy in the room. Crazy lady Bachman…out of the running. The pizza delivery guy who can’t keep his hands off women…gone. The Texas racist who was always drunk and packing heat…headed home. The man dressed in purple attempting to conquer Castle Grayskull…voted off the island. But that’s a good thing right? These people were fucking crazy…we wouldn’t want them running for President would we? Maybe it’s a good thing that the Primary winner was….wait…what was his name again…I already forget.

Herman Cain, Michelle Bachman and Skeletor lost the Republican primary to the android.

Oh right, Mitt Romney. Well now that we’ve had a chance to get a closer look at the Mitt-Bot, it turns out he isn’t without his flaws. We just didn’t notice them before because Rick Perry had a gun in our face (Rick Perry Will Fucking Kill You) and Herman Cain was undressing us with his eyes.

Remember our last President? You know, the one who couldn’t tie his own shoelaces? Yeah, that guy. The one thing he had going for him was that he was able to “mix-it-up” with the common folk. And by that I mean that he was perfectly at home in the buffet line at the OCB in that loveable Forrest Gump kind of way. Force him to give a speech and you get this:

Well it turns out that the Mitt-tron 2000 has the exact opposite problem. His programming doesn’t allow him to interact with non-cybernetic life forms….you know…human beings.

In June, Romney met with a group of unemployed voters and in an attempt to seem sympathetic to their problems, listened to them talk about not being about to find work and having trouble doing things like buying food. Mitt…a multi-millionaire…responded by saying that he too was unemployed and looking for a job. This robotic attempt at levity was supposed to convey his interest in becoming President but the humor was probably lost on the starving constituents.

NY Times – Romney Is Unemployed

In another attempt to connect with people who aren’t famously wealthy and that have blood vessels instead of integrated circuits, Romney met with a few waitresses at a local diner. While capitalizing on a photo opportunity with these warm bloods, Mitt pretended that one of the waitresses grabbed his ass. He later had to describe to the media that it was supposed to be funny. Follow the link and watch the video…while he’s explaining his actions, notice how little his mouth moves.

ABC News – Romney Pretends His Ass Was Grabbed

On the issue of immigration, Romney has stated on numerous occasions that the best way to reform this issue is “Self-Deportation”. He states that if we just keep telling people with dark skin that they aren’t wanted and “make life difficult” for them…that is a real quote by the way…that they will just leave on their own….you know, like a file transfer.

I'm so rich!!

This month Mitt traveled to England to prove that his Governing sub-routines could interact with flesh and blood world leaders. In what was obviously a “yes and move on” question, a reporter asked Romney if he thought England was ready for the 2012 summer Olympics. Romney, having contributed to bringing the Olympics to Utah, proceeded to unleash a laundry list of British failures on British television.

The Prime Minister took offense to this and promptly insulted Romney in a pre-pared statement, claiming that London is a large and populous city and that anyone could host the Olympics “In the middle of nowhere.” While David Cameron was undoubtedly referring to Salt Lake City in Utah where Romney held his Olympics…which by the way IS in the middle of nowhere, this statement carries another message. For those of you that don’t speak Old English, let me translate what the Prime Minister meant. He was saying, “Fuck you, you Mormon asshole!” This was one day before the two of them met face to face. Awkward.

I'm really not that worried about it.

The mayor of London also jumped on the Romney is an asshole wagon in front of a cheering crowd of Brits…seemingly uniting them in their hatred of our potential future leader in a way that even Will and Kate couldn’t match.

Later, while meeting with the Prime Minister’s opposing party…the Labour Party (Yeah, it’s got a U in it, it’s British), Mitt referred to the man as “Mr. Leader”. Perhaps this man is not wealthy enough to have his name stored in Mitt’s database. Or maybe it’s a glitch that makes Mitt short circuit when he comes into contact with anything to do with “Labour”…sort of like dropping your iPhone in the toilet.

Romney 2.0 will be water resistant but will still get ill thinking about the middle class

Romney then headed over to MI6…you know, where James Bond works. The meeting was obviously intended to be private…and by private I mean secret…it’s where the spy’s work…its secret. But whatever, Romney held a press conference after the “secret meeting”, letting the world know all about what transpired and pissing off an entire spy network in the process.

Then it was time to meet with more politicians. Romney would describe this as “Looking at the back side of 10 Downing Street.” I know it’s supposed to be the same language but this one needs to be translated as well. When Romney says “Back Side”, what the Brits hear is the word “Ass”. Also, 10 Downing Street is synonymous with the governing body in England…its like when our media says, “The White House said today that the ice caps are melting.” Or, “The White House is invading Iraq for oil.” So when Romney says what he did it would be like the Queen of England visiting the White House and then telling the press she watched Obama’s ass all day.

For the record, this one isn’t that big of a deal, but I think its funny that Romney’s ass gaffe tally is now up to two. Also, if he can’t communicate with the British…well let’s leave it at that.

The Guardian – Romney Gaffes

So are the Republicans having buyer’s remorse? Not really. I’m sure there are a few of them out there that were disappointed when Bozo the clown decided not to run but despite his flaws they are sticking with R2-Mitt-2 (I think that’s the last Mitt Romney/Socially recognizable robot reference I’ve got). Why?

Poor people like chips right? I've got lots of chips!

Well there wasn’t much to pick from in the first place…and Mitt does bare a remarkable resemblance to a human being…but mostly because of money and Jesus. Also, he’s pretty much got the “I Hate Black People” vote locked up.

I already talked about Mormons in another post (God Hates Figs) so I won’t open up that pot of crazy again…as fun as it would be. And despite the inclusion of space travel, Jewish Native Americans and wizard pants, the Mormon religion is loosely based on Jesus…and for most bible thumping believers, that’s enough to bring them out to the voting polls. Take a look at this graph.

And now this one.

One represents the portion of Americans who believe in the Bible and the other represents the portion of Americans who are Republican. I posted the pictures and even I can’t tell them apart.

As for money…well Mitt has plenty…and so do all his douche bag billionaire friends. And thanks to the Citizens United Supreme court case, any entity from corporations to foreign countries can now buy our elections. I would love to go into this as well…almost as much as I would like to make fun of the Mormons again. And I will…soon, but for now, let’s get back to the topic of foreign countries buying our elections in order to replace our President with a cyborg. It’s just as important.

So moving on, when Mitt left England he headed to Israel…not to foster new peace talks in the middle east…no…we’re not talking about Jimmy Carter. Romney went to Israel to hold fund raisers. So picture this, a group of wealthy Jews, sitting around telling the Rom-Bot what they are going to pay him to do once he takes possession of the free world. I don’t suppose they would pay him to use our country to bomb Iran into the ocean would they? We’ll find out I guess. But just for the sake of consistency, what’s a Mitt Romney story without an outrageous display of his inability to comprehend normal human interactions??

He really said that to a room full of Jews?

While addressing these foreign capitalistic investors of freedom, Romney casually stated that the Jewish culture was better equipped to be more profitable than the Palestinian culture. Yeah…you read that right. Mitt Romney said that Jews are better at making money…to a room full of Jews…and that makes Jews better than Muslims. I did mention he was in the Middle East when he made these comments didn’t I?

Huffington Post – Mitt Romney Insults Palestinians

Honestly, I couldn’t guess who would have been more offended, the Israelis or the Palestinians. Turns out it was the Palestinians. Go figure.

So is this just a character assignation? I mean, I haven’t really discussed where Mitt Romney stands…computes…whatever…on the issues. Well yeah, we know where he stands on everything. Lower wages for Americans. Outsourcing jobs to China. Cutting taxes on billionaires and raising them on the middle class. Cutting programs that help people that aren’t billionaires. This was what he did in the private sector, this is what he’ll do as President…shaft the poor and the middle class. It’s what he’s programmed to do. We’ve talked about all this before in my other posts…Romney embodies everything wrong with cybernetic vulture capitalism.

Mitt honestly seems to have been programmed with all the exact talking points and issues that are important to the wealthy top 1% and the mindless flock of the Bible belt. He really does appear to be a candidate that was constructed by the upper class to promote their agenda and screw everyone else in the process.  Romney recently stated that he is “Not concerned about the very poor”.  His words.  It’s just a shame that the people who assembled Mitt Romney didn’t take their cues from Data and equip him with an emotion chip.

Data managed quite well BEFORE he had an emotion chip and as far as I can remember he never asked for my vote.

So if what the Republicans really want is an emotionless, personality-less robot who died on a cross then I’ve got a suggestion for them.

He's emotionless, he died for your sins and he'll shoot you in the face.

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