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Apr
03

God Hates Figs

Uhhh huh, you see what I did there? Did you see it? Ok, stop…read the title again. See it now? Yeah, not particularly one of my more clever moments but it certainly catches the eye doesn’t it? But while it is a slightly unimaginative play on words, it actually is the topic of this entry…at least metaphorically. Yeah, one of those. Ok, you’re probably confused now and think you’ve missed some pitiful joke I’ve made. Well, no, the statement is quite literal. Jesus does in fact hate figs. But as per usual, we’ll get to that in a round about way.

If you spend any amount of time looking into current events then you probably know what I’m getting at. I myself spend an inordinate amount of time doing this and god dammit if there isn’t one thing that keeps popping up time and time again its god, or to be specific, Jesus…the born out of wedlock illegitimate son of god.

People everywhere are just sure that they know exactly what Jesus hates and they can’t wait to tell you about it. Jesus apparently hates everything from science class to Harry Potter and everything in between if you believe the characters on TV. In fact, you can’t turn on the radio or flip through your TV without hearing someone invoking the J Dawg. It’s not like he’s the host of The Price Is Right or anything so what gives? We’ll get into an extended list of all the things that Jesus hates when we discuss his personal loathing for dried fruit.

He's actually just like the rest of us

It would seem that one no longer needs to attend Sunday school to gain insight on the son of God’s agenda. Apparently, there are plenty of people that have a “personal relationship” with manger born and are compelled to tell us all how Jesus wants us to think…and vote. How about some examples?

Recently, Jesus told Pat Robertson, the Emmyless host of a daytime Jesus talk show, two things that will happen in the future. Wow, what a great deal for Pat right, he and J must be tight, letting him see into the future and all. Well, if you’ve ever seen Back to the Future or Star Trek you’ll know that Jesus is fucking with the space time continuum…which I don’t appreciate. At any rate, Jesus told Pat who will win the 2012 Presidential election…and that Peyton Manning will be injured because the Broncos were mean to Tim Tebow. I…and every other fantasy football owner out there…would rather Jesus keep this shit to himself, especially about these kinds of future events, people have money riding on these leagues. And who is going to win the election??? Ohh, Jesus doesn’t want him to tell. That’s right, Pat claims that while Jesus did indeed inform him on the outcome of the election to happen later this year, but he doesn’t want him to tell anyone. How convenient. Next time Pat, don’t bother, you’re just pissing us off.

Pat Robertson on 2012 ElectionPeyton Manning

I told you the continuum would get messed up...look closer, its Doc Brown

Ok, time for a classic? Former President, George W. Bush…you remember that guy right…told the world that Jesus had asked him to invade Iraq. Remember that little thing, the Iraq war? I do. Yes, according to George Bush, Jesus asked him…by his first name mind you…to invade Iraq…Afghanistan…and to provide Palestine with its own state. Ok? That’s a tall request from the Messiah. First of all, if Jesus was up on his geography…or international politics…or even had CNN he would know that Palestine does have its own state. The problem is that no one wants to recognize it except Jimmy Carter. Ohh and Israel invades Palestine about every 15 years or so…but presumably Jesus’ dad is telling the Israelis to do that. Far be it for me to get involved in a petty family dispute. But why would Jesus want George Bush to start a war and why wouldn’t he pick someone who wasn’t the biggest fucking moron in the room to pull it off?

I hope you’re starting to see where I’m going with this. Jesus didn’t tell George Bush anything of the sort…I can’t believe I had to make that point. But because he is a politician, the Jesus talk scores him big points. So we get what we deserve. A guy who can’t tie his own shoe laces dozes off for a few and thinks he’s had a supernatural experience and because people take this shit seriously we get a fuck tard as the leader of the free world for eight years.

BBC – God Told Me To

And that’s why politicians love them some Jesus… because their constituents love him even more. You can’t run for President in this country if you don’t profess some sort of man love for Jesus. Three of the 2012 Republican candidates for President claim that Jesus told them personally to run for office. Despite the indecisiveness of this puzzling move on the part of the Messiah, all three of these candidates have now dropped out. What, was it a dare?? No, they were either lying or insane or a strange mixture of both but someone told them that having the Son of God’s endorsement, real or imagined…(imagined)…would get enough votes to run for office.

Makes just as much sense as anything that has come out of Pat Robertson's or George Bush's mouth

Try to imagine a Presidential candidate who openly professed his allegiance to Buddha or to Atheism. What would happen if a Presidential candidate said, “Hey, Allah wants me to invade Spain so that’s what I think is best for this country…following the will of Allah.” That person wouldn’t get too many votes, but for whatever reason, exchange the word Allah for Jesus and you’ve got a winning campaign.

But it’s not enough to be on team Jesus, you have to love Jesus the right way.

Current Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is finding this out the hard way. Despite being level headed in comparison, he has had trouble reaching front runner status despite running against a horney pizza delivery guy, a drunken racist, an adulterer and the crazy lady who is married to the gay guy…who Jesus hates by the way, I know the title says Figs but what the hell, lets bring it full circle. That’s your Republican party, fully endorsed by the Christ.

He was the Republican front runner for a couple of months AND he can get you a helluva deal on a pie

But why can’t Mitt run away with this election if all the other candidates are so bi-polar? Well, you see, Mitt is a Mormon, and while Mormon’s believe in Jesus, they don’t believe in him the right way. Mitt can’t just start talking about Jesus because the morons in the Bible belt think that Mormonism is like being Baptist vs. being Methodist, they just have different songs or some shit. That doesn’t quite cover it.

What Mitt doesn’t want you to know is that Mormons believe that Jesus showed up in Branson Missouri a while back to die for the Native American’s sins…and tell them that they were really Jews…and I guess teach them how to fish or some shit. Yes, the Mormon’s believe that all Native Americans are the fabled lost tribe of Israel…Jews. Let me say this, if you’re walking from Jerusalem to Bethlehem and end up in Kansas City…lost is an understatement.

Sooooo...you're saying I'm a Jew now? I don't get it.

That’s not all they believe. They think that God is a guy who lives on the planet Kolob…wait, this is serious. From there, God constructed the planet Earth. From the historical account he did not use union labor, the Catholic blue collar types are still pissed about this. Upon completion of the planet Earth, God hurled it into space, eventually landing here. He gave Jeezy ownership of this planet and whoever believes in him shall have eternal life…on Kobol…that is unless you’re really a great guy then you get your own planet. Sort of like Jor-El sending his only begotten son, Superman to Earth…except more lame.

When you stop laughing I would like to clarify that this isn’t a joke on my part, this is really what they believe. What a complete and utter load of bullshit.

This is completely different than what the rest of the flock believes about Jesus. The Mormons get these extra beliefs from the Book Of Mormon…think of it as a sequel to the new testament. It was written in the United States in 1830…to put that into perspective, the Baltimore to Ohio railway opened that same year. Yeah, it’s the same one that’s on the Monopoly board.

B & O Railroad, as old as the Bible

But it would be unfair to simply pick on the Mormons all day long. It might be easy and sort of fun, but unfair. All those who are venerealy afflicted by the love of Jesus believe in something that might be classified as “Bull Shit”. Check out this bible verse from one of the most recognizable parts of the bible:

Matthew 27:50-53

50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. 51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

You know about all this business right? Sure you do, even the heathens know this part of the bible. This is the part where Jesus dies on the cross and it causes a giant earthquake…someone rips up a curtain and a bunch of people come back to life and wander around the city…Wait what?! Holy Shit! Was this always in there?! Zombies?! There are fucking zombies in the Bible?! Yes, there are zombies in the Bible. First…ask yourself why you’re hearing this first from this crappy website. Second, ask why no one ever brings it up. Third, ask why it isn’t a video game.

Remember back in high school when you had to take that world history class? Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if the text book had included a chapter on the zombie invasion of the Roman Empire? I know that would have caught my attention. Somehow, the greatest Empire the world has ever known forgot to mention that part. Must have slipped their mind…either that or it never happened…no, probably slipped their mind.

Still image taken from, Bible: The Graphic Novel

Well I’ll tell you why no one ever brings it up, its complete non-sense…I have no idea why it isn’t a video game though and if it were up to me it would be. This is just like the Jesus in Missouri/The Indians are Jews thing. You can’t talk about it because people will stop taking you seriously when you claim to know what Jesus wants everyone else to hate. And here we are, just like I promised…what does Jesus hate? Figs. Yeah, you really thought I was going to say Fags…but I’m not, the correct answer is still Figs. Check it out.

Matthew 21:19-20

19 And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, “Let no fruit grow on you ever again.” Immediately the fig tree withered away. 20 And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither away so soon?”

Great, what a guy. Jesus murders a tree. How mature. Why? Who knows and who the fuck cares. It wasn’t even growing season anyway, it wasn’t the tree’s fault. The point is, if Jesus can cast his magic spells and kill this fig tree and someone took the time to write it in the good book, no matter how retarded it is…I demand that Christians take this line seriously and I want it brought up every time some douche bag claims that Jesus hates gay people, single payer health care, Unions, Muslims, Jews, Science, the French, not going to war and not being home schooled.

Fire Tornados...The best way God can show that he hates you

If they don’t, well…I can scour the Bible for Bullshit just like the next guy and I’ve prepared a short list of things that Jesus hates, make sure to follow the links:

A man with injured testicles…
As if this wasn’t enough of a problem, God now hates you.

A person born out of wedlock…(eh hem, people in glass houses Jesus)…
If you’re a bastard…through no fault of your own of course, God hates you and the next ten generations of your family.

Anyone who does just about anything on Sunday…
Want to build a fire to prepare some food? Not on the Sabbath! God now hates you so much he commands everyone to throw rocks at your head until you die.

Any man who has a wet dream…
Hey guys, if you have a wet dream, you’re out. Leave town and don’t come back. God hates you.

Anyone involved in an interracial marriage…
If you do, God will destroy you, if you witness this you’re to tear down the church they attend and burn down any orchards or groves they might have because God hates you and your interracial relationship.

Anyone of a different religion…
If this is family, friend or stranger, God hates them and you are to kill them, any live stock they have and then BURN THEIR CITY TO THE GROUND! Geeze, overkill?

Any man who “rounds” his beard or anyone who gets a round haircut or a tattoo…
It’s simply not stylish and for that, God hates you.

Anyone who is blind, lame, has a flat nose, dwarves, bad eyes, flat feet, bad back or has scurvey…
Ummm yeah…basically anyone handicapped…God hates you, get fucked.

Menstruating women…
God hates you and everything you touched, lay or sat on. (It would seem if you perform some ritual with two pigeons there may be an out but God probably still hates you).

Men who come into contact with menstruating women…
Sorry, you and your menstruating woman have to leave town forever, God hates you.

So there is my list and it comes from the exact same place that Rick Santorum, George Bush and Pat Robertson get their ridiculous commandments. These d-bags tell people how to live their lives and how to think and especially how to vote. Every time these cock suckers quote Jesus, unless they are personally helping a leper reach the top shelf in the bread isle, they should be ridiculed. These people should no longer be tolerated in a society that is supposed to place logic and reason over superstition and douche baggery.

Why should we allow these people to make decisions for us instead of having them checked in somewhere and evaluated for mental illness…which Jesus hates.

Morpheus...Better than Jesus

 

3 comments

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  1. Pyrrho says:

    You need to work on how to present this so someone who need s to hear it will listen. Only the choir will read past the firs ‘fuck’.

    You are short of George Carlin (the turn-of-the-21st-century Mark Twain) by a few yards and shorter still from Mark Twain. It ain’t easy telling it how it is, is it?

    1. Christian says:

      Hey Phrrho,

      I completely understand your concern. I am however, under the assumption that the people that need to hear this wouldn’t get past my sarcasm and cheap jokes as well lol. So I’ve decided to make these entries entertaining as well as informative to people who can appreciate the content. Plus on a selfish note, its more fun for me to write it like this.

      I seriously doubt that my writing will convince the “believers” to change their mind and I’m fine with that. I think though its equally important that people who think like I do, express their opinions regularly and openly. It can be just as effective if it causes the community of people that I am in to be more vocal. Thanks so much for the comment!

    2. Christian says:

      And no, it isn’t easy lol.

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