These Boots Are Made For Walker

Are you ready boots? Scott Walker’s boots are ready. Who is Scott Walker? Well he’s not just another ugly face and one of these days he’s gonna walk all over you. There is a huge debate that has been going on in Wisconsin for the last year and it has divided the state’s population like a cheese knife. Scott Walker, Wisconsin’s current Governor is at the very center of this debate. He claims that Wisconsin is in a state of economic disrepair and that only he can save it from impending financial doom. The public disagrees and has done just about everything except burn his house down to try to stop him. Walker passed his budget reform bill on June 14th, 2011 despite public opposition…you know, for their own good. Now it’s on, the Governor will face off with the people that put him in office sometime this summer.

Scott Walker's effect on the population of Wisconsin

So how bad is the financial situation in the cheese state? What was in Walker’s reform bill? Why are the cheese heads so pissed off and what are is happening this summer? Let’s start at the beginning and check out what candidate Walker promised the public and why it stinks like a piece of Limburger.

Being a Republican, you can be sure that the usual tax cutting, government hating, immigrant deporting talking points are present in Walker’s campaign promises. In fact these are at the very heart of the issue. However, before we cut the Munster, let’s look at the rest of his campaign to get a sense of why Wisconsinites might choose this clow shoe to lead them.

Just another clown...I mean politician

Besides cutting taxes, one of the other pastimes the Republicans enjoy is deregulating corporate activity. I’m sure you’re familiar with how this works right? The Republicans deregulated the financial industry and our economy exploded in our pants. They deregulated the oil industry and we got an oil spill the size of Bolivia on our shores. Well try this one on, during his campaign in 2010, Scott Walker promised to deregulate the…deer hunting industry. What? Yup, you read that right. Apparently there is too much red tape associated with killing deer in Wisconsin and something has to be done about it.

What’s the solution to this crisis? Walker created a new government position to handle this problem, Deer Czar. No, I’m not Czitting you. We could leave it at that and it would stand on its own ridiculousness but believe it or not it gets worse. Who did Walker appoint to be his new Czar of Deer? Who else? Dr. Deer. Yes, a man that goes by the unofficial title of Dr. Deer was appointed to be the new Deer Czar. We now know how a man gets the title of Deer Czar but how does one acquire the title of Dr. Deer? Did he get his PHD in deer? No? Then how? Well having your own cable TV show about deer helps…which he does. He is also the director of something called the Deer institute for research, whatever the hell goes on there. Ohh and he’ll be making his share of the cheese as he’s reportedly getting paid 125 grand a year to be what I consider the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. You can read all about the Deer Professor here on Field and Stream…a new low for references on this web site no matter how appropriate it may be.

Wisconsin Gets Deer Czar – Field and Stream

Not low enough? Fine, see what he has to say about himself on his own website (which barely functions). Don’t forget to stop by his shop and browse his deer related shit. But whatever you do, don’t buy anything, we wouldn’t want to encourage him.


Vote Democrat and vote often, my life literally depends on it

Here’s the next unformatted bullet point on Walker’s agenda for the state of Wisconsin. He vowed to NOT to upgrade Wisconsin’s Feta like rail system. I’ve never really heard of a candidate promise to not improve conditions and run with it. He cites his reason as being that it is too expensive. Not too expensive to build, the federal government gave Wisconsin an almost one billion dollar grant to build a high speed rail system. No, he claims that it was too expensive because it would have to be maintained. You know, the train and tracks would have to be serviced; the trains would have to be manned with the appropriate staff…otherwise known as jobs. Interesting because he also claimed he would create 250,000 jobs for a state with less than 6 million people during his campaign. Well he fucked that up, after he rejected the grant, the money went to California, they’ll be getting the high speed rail and all of the jobs that come with. Nice move moron.

New Jobs

Now on to our main courses. During the campaign, Walker repeatedly spoke of how bad the economy had become and how it had effected the state. He promised that if elected Governor, he would balance the Wisconsin budget, reduce the deficit and lower taxes. Not exactly front page news, I think every politician in the last few thousand years or so has been saying something like this. So this message of lower taxes, shittier trains, balanced budgets and KGB like oversight for deer kills resonated with the public and swept Walker into office.

The new office of the Deer Czar will be built later this year at the cost of the tax payer

Now the big question is, would Walker follow through on his promises. I mean, letting the trains disintegrate is a pretty easy task to accomplish…but what about the budget? Did Walker fix it? Well there is one little problem with this, there was nothing wrong with the Wisconsin budget. They had a budgetary surplus before Walker was elected of about $120 million bucks. But Scott Walker is not a man to let a little thing like the facts or the public get in his way. He campaigned on balancing the budget and fixing the deficet, the budget was already balanced…so what does he do? He creates a deficit…of course!

Walker’s Special Session

Upon election, Scott Walker immediately started calling “Special Sessions” to pass what he claimed were emergency pieces of legislation. The emergency was not to get started on those quarter million jobs he promised, no, the emergency was to create a budget deficit and he did a fine job…the “special part” was that it was not open to the public. During the inappropriately titled “Back To Work Wisconsin” special sessions of the Wisconsin congress, Walker and co gave away $2.3 Billion dollars in tax breaks to corporations and the wealthiest 1%. Holy Shit! He wasn’t kidding when he said Wisconsin had a deficit problem, it’s him! With a brand new healthy deficit and a budget with more holes than a slice of Swiss to work with, Scott Walker could finally get to work fixing it. How would he accomplish this? Perhaps we should look at more details of these special needs sessions.

After Walker flushed the economy down the toilet you can bet it was time to get to work fixing it, so first things first right? Wisconsin needs a new revenue stream to make up for the billions Walker gave away to his friends. What better way to address this than to…implement a new sex education mandate. Walker and his cheese head Republicans passed a bill that mandates abstinence based sex education. This mandate removes the previous education policy of teaching kids about contraception…and reality. So now that the kids have no idea what safe sex is, the jobs should start pouring in right? Ohh not nearly, this is a process, you know, like Velvetta.

The Wisconsin political process

Next up, public schools…fuck em. Walker wants corporate schools. This gem is known as Wisconsin SB 22. The existing laws in Wisconsin only allow corporations to set up 1 school in any community in attempt to prevent corporate monopoly takeover of the public education system. Gone! SB 22 allows corporations to open as many schools as they want. But this has to be regulated in some way right?! I mean, what is to stop a corporation from setting up 20 schools in one district to strangle the public schools, someone has to provide oversight don’t they?

Of course, Walker set up a new board that will authorize these new bastions of corporate education. Who is on this board? There are 9 people that serve on this board, 3 of them are appointed by Governor Walker, 3 of them are appointed by the senate majority leader and the final 3 are appointed by the speaker of the assembly. The number of times the word appointed was used in the last paragraph was 3 and the number of times the word elected was used was 0. It is import to note that all the individuals doing the appointing are also Republicans. The indoctrination of the Wisconsin children has become a political matter, the church should watch out. And just in case this wasn’t enough, with AB 40, Walker handed the corporate school industry about $35 million dollars up front, you know, just to give them a head start and make sure none of these companies were…left behind.

Scott Walker has appointed Skeletor to the new education board, he has big plans for the children of Wisconsin

But maybe you’re thinking this isn’t such a big deal. I mean, these schools still have to provide a good education…still have to hire quality teachers…right? Don’t be ridiculous, SB 22 allows charter schools to hire whoever the hell they want to teach their classes. That’s right, you don’t have to be a teacher to teach anymore. SB 22 removes the rule requiring teachers to have…ya know…teacher certifications…to teach…but only for these corporate schools, not the public schools. Congratulations Wisconsinites…the janitor is now the math teacher and the math teacher is out of a job. So now that the children have been properly fucked, time to get to that intentional deficit and those jobs right? Umm…well…not just yet.

First we need to look after the best interests of the pharmaceutical companies. New legislation passed will create immunity from legal action by individuals or the state against pharmaceutical companies. What does that mean? If the pharmaceutical industry gives you a pill that kill you…or for that matter breaks into your house and takes your VCR, they cannot be charged with a crime. If the pharmaceutical industry commits fraud against the government, they cannot be charged with a crime. Interesting since the pharmaceutical industry is now the number #1 industry for fraud related action against our government. Drug companies are now above the law in Wisconsin. How could they get this kind of special treatment? They gave Scott Walker about $65,000 dollars to get elected…that’s how.

Scott Walker's gift to the pharmaceutical industry

This could go on all day. We could talk about Walker’s bill that creates a new board that hand picks which large corporations don’t have to pay energy bills or that Walker fired all of the elected officials on the state commerce board and replaced them with individuals that work for the same corporations that they are supposed to regulate but I think we’re getting a clear picture on the Governor’s priorities here. The only thing we haven’t talked about yet is how he’s going to close this budget deficit that he created.

We mentioned Walker’s generous offering to the corporate school industry, it puts a pretty big hurt on the state budget. To offset that, Walker cut approximately $1.6 billion with a capital B dollars from the public school system. Shit, that makes up for more than half of the $2.3 billion he gave to his friends. He’s almost saved Wisconsin, but it’s still not enough.

The special session cuts $500 million from the Medical Assistance program and another $284 million from the family care program. These are the programs designed to assist the elderly and the disabled. The Medical Assistance program in particular helps these unfortunate individuals stay in their own homes instead of having to be placed in special care facilities…so it actually keeps medical costs down…the way cheddar does for Ritz crackers. But under the Walker administration, if you’re elderly, disabled or a child then you’re fucked. And speaking of, Walker can probably do better. I mean, $784 million is nice but I’m sure he can fuck these people a little more.

Correct! Walker increased taxes on working families and the elderly in an attempt to close the gap on his self fulfilling prophecy but it still wasn’t enough. So what other revenue stream will Walker and his public strangling boots find to close the gap? If you’re asking this question then allow me to introduce you to Republican political strategy 101. Never let a disaster you created go to waste when you can use it against the public to advance your ideological agenda.

What agenda you might ask? What else…screwing the people. Did you really expect anything else after reading the last few paragraphs? Scott Walker has determined that workers have too many rights. And that’s not all, it’s this excess of rights in the workplace that created the state deficit…you remember, the one that Scott Walker created.

It's not just a Wisconsin Republican thing

So it comes down to unions…specifically unions that represent public sector employees as these are the people that Walker has direct control over. I’m sure if he could screw over every working class person in the state he could, but for now he’ll have to trust that his corporate buddies can take care of that while he butt humps those that work for the state.

Reuters – Curbing Unions

And hump he did. Collective bargaining is officially gone. Employees no longer have any say in such trivial matters as workplace safety or overtime hours or retirement and health insurance plans. Don’t want to work in a building lined with asbestos? Or maybe you want compensation for working 80 hours a week when you’re only supposed to work 40? Get fucked.

Wisconsin Journal – Highlights

On top of this, Walker is doubling the amount of money these employees must contribute to get their existing benefits. The cost for having a pension and health insurance is now close to 20% of an employee’s salary. How about days off of work? You still remember those right? Sometimes members of the human race like to travel beyond their living quarters to participate in what was historically called a “vacation”. Another tidbit about the human race, they are sometimes subject to microscopic organisms that disrupt normal bodily function. This is called an “illness”, something that as human beings we sometimes have to deal with. Under the new law, any employee that takes 3 days off is subject to termination. For further historical reference on people being forced to work, check this link out:


The unions that advocate for these rights may not exist in the future either. Under the new law they cannot collect money from the people they represent and must face a vote every year to stay in existence. Of course, unions typically support Democratic candidates for office making this move smell a bit like a political coup d’état…yeah, I’ve run out of smelly cheeses that people would recognize to reference. And all of this because Walker gave corporations and his cronies a shit load of the people’s money.

The holiday road has been officially cancelled in Wisconsin

Of course, what Scott Walker would have you forget are things like the $37.6 million dollars in federal grants he turned down that was meant to create more suitable health care conditions. His excuse was that this federal grant money would “Have a devastating impact on Wisconsin’s economy” by allowing the encroachment of ObamaCare. I know, it doesn’t even make sense. Neither does the $11 million dollar federal grant he turned down to improve the Medicare enrollment system for the poor. That is, it doesn’t make sense if you give two shits about the poor…if you don’t then it makes perfect sense.

Never mind that Scott Walker has a master…or two…of his own. The infamous Koch billionaires…I think it’s pronounced like COCK…are two brothers that have been fighting against worker rights and unions for their entire life. They bankrolled Walker’s campaign and apparently are pulling the strings from behind the cheese cloth. What with the donations to super PACS, the Republican Governor’s association and contributions to Walker himself, it’s hard to determine how much money the Koch brothers have donated to this cause but it is at least in excess of $2 million dollars. In early 2011, a journalist by the name of Ian Murphy was able to call the office of Scott Walker pretending to be David Koch and either due to poor phone reception or a mental deficiency on Walker’s part…incredibly likely…he believed it and proceeded to bring Murphy (as Koch) up to date on their plan to “Crush Unions”.

During the call, Walker explains how he is attempting to confuse the population about this bill and the way he will trick the Democrats into showing up to the state building and then voting on the bill while the session was in recess. A move that he had to check to see if legal action could be taken against him. Thankfully, due to our Star Trek like advance in communication technology, the entire conversation is available on the interwebs, you can hear them here:

I feel the exact same way

Walker Pranked

But believe it or not, this is not the biggest problem Scott Walker isn’t interested in talking about. That would be the fact that about a dozen of his aides have had their houses raided in an FBI investigation and have since struck deals granting them immunity from prosecution in exchange for their testimony in court. It would seem there is a small matter of tax payer money being used to commit voter fraud. And seeing as how there has already been one person charged with this crime in connection to Walker it would seem that people are lining up to testify against him in order to save their own hides.

Wisconsin State Journal – Walker Inquiry

However, the good people of Wisconsin may not have to wait for him to be behind bars to be rid of him. Wisconsin has collected the required signatures to hold a good old fashioned recall election. This summer, Walker and his Koch brother money will have to try to buy a premature reelection. Over the course of this blatant disregard for the welfare of his constituents, Walker has seen hundreds of thousands of people pour into the state capitol to protest the rights he is stripping away but he has refused to budge. You see, Mr. Scott has been messin’ where he shouldn’t have been a messin’ and now someone else is getting’ all his best. And that someone isn’t the people of Wisconsin, it’s a couple of guys named Cock.

It's a picture from the music video of that song whose metaphore didn't work out as much as I had hoped

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